The Contest Center - Dummy Jokes

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Dummy Jokes
The Contest Center
59 DeGarmo Hills Road
Wappingers Falls, NY 12590

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There are many humorous ways to describe a dull, slow or dim person.
We'd like to hear your favorites

One sandwich short of a picnic.

One brick short of a load.

One egg short of an omelet.

One pickle short of a barrel.

One neuron short of a synapse.

- - -

The light is on, but nobody is home.

The elevator doesn't go to the top floor.

The last 10 pages are blank.

There's nothing in the attic but cobwebs.

- - -

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Not the brightest penny in the purse.

Not the brightest crayon in the box.

Not the brightest bulb on the tree.

Not the brightest star in the sky.

- - -

If brains were dynamite, he would not have enough to sneeze.

If brains were money, he couldn't change a nickel.

If brains were taxed, he would get a refund.

If brains were lead weights, his would blow away.

If brains were wood, his pet termite would starve.

If brains were muscles, 98-pound weaklings would be kicking sand in HIS face.

If brains were gold, he wouldn't have enough to fill a tooth - on a mouse.

If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to get his motorcycle out of the garage.

- - -

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

The tank is empty, the battery is dead, the driveshaft has rusted through.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but there is no train.

The starting gate is open, but he's still asking directions.

- - -

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Donated his brain to science. Science sent it back.

Donated his brain to science. Science is contesting the will.

Donated his brain to science. They thought it was a new strain of bacterium.

- - -

Bright as Thule in December.

Bright as a coalbin at midnight.

Bright as a flashlight after 5 years in a drawer.

Bright as sunlight glinting off a charcoal briquet.

Bright as a baby firefly.

- - -

Sharp as a blimp.

Sharp as a marshmallow.

Sharp as a cotton puff.

- - -

As useless as a camera without film.

As useless as a bike without wheels.

As useless as a bucket without a bottom.

As useless as a knife without a blade.

As useless as a wheel without an axle.

As useless as a gudgeon without a pintle.

- - -

Thinks the phone book is idiotic. It takes so many hours to find the name you want.

Thinks "Middle East" means Virginia and Maryland.

Thinks "Middle East" means Michigan and Arizona.

Thinks "Red China" means dishes.

Thinks Latin Americans speak Latin.

Thinks Latin Americans come from Latvia.

- - -

Beer has more brains in its head.

Running for an elevator, uses his head to keep the doors from closing.

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

Depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

Hands full, head empty.

(Australian) There's a kangaroo loose in the top paddock.

When they handed out brains, thought they said "drains" and didn't want one.

If he were any dimmer, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

His one neuron is getting mighty lonely.

The last one out of the starting gate.

Gets the left glove on the left hand on the second or third try.

Has been working with glue too much.

Sometimes on the second and fourth try.

Nearly starved to death following the instructions "Lather, rinse, repeat."

A 6-pack of brains, but without the plastic net to hold them together.

Always the last to laugh.

When a shoelace breaks has to buy new shoes.

Has no communicable ideas.

Is reality impaired.

The brightness knob is set to low.

On the road of life he's the one going the other way.

His ignorance is exceeded only by his stupidity.

Always gets the better deal in any exchange of ideas.

Still trying to figure out that one about the chicken and the road.

Thick-waisted, but narrow-minded.

Out of his depth in a wading pool.

Awed by the brilliance of [Harry on Third Rock, Big Bird, Urkel].

Has yet to master the soup spoon.

Favorite show? Barney.

When his IQ gets up to 50 he should sell.

Prime candidate for natural de-selection.

Poster boy for the Alzheimer's Foundation.

His brain is so powerful no thoughts can penetrate.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gets lost in an empty closet.

Keeps repeating, "Socks first, then shoes."

The glow of his intellect wouldn't light the inside of a thimble.

Bacteria outscore him on IQ tests.

Has a memory like a sieve.

Denser than osmium.

Holds a book upside down 50% of the time.

The reason that siblings shouldn't marry.

Rain on his brain, fog in his noggin.

Strong as an ox, but not nearly as smart.

Never sure which side of the penny is "heads."

That lightbulb above his head? No filament.

Couldn't empty water out of a bucket with the instructions printed on the bottom.

Always laughs before the punchline.

He is to intellect what warthogs are to beauty.

Takes an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

Should not be allowed to breed.

His dream job? Paperweight.

Had water on the brain, so it shrank.

Has a brand new brain. It's never been used.

Cruises the misinformation superhighway.

Had to repeat kindergarten. Twice.

Half his brain is missing, the other half is out looking for it.

Not sure if it's "Come in out of the rain" or "Come on out in the rain."

Or, maybe, "Call men out in Iran."

A 20-watt intellect.

A room temperature IQ.

You've heard of "one brick short of a load?" He's one load short of a load.

Always amazed by that quarter-behind-the-ear trick.

A catalog of his intellectual accomplishments would be shorter than this sentence.

Or this.

Not just a has-been, but also a won't be.

When the other kids laughed at him, joined in.

Runs with scissors, plays with matches, stays out in the rain.

The product of 10 generations of sibling intermarriage. Maybe 20.

Can laugh 3 times at a joke, once when it's told, once when it's explained, and once when he finally gets it. Laughs twice at most jokes.

Has the intellect of a young pea.

Always takes 3 tries to match up the buttons and buttonholes.

Thick as a plank? No, an entire lumberyard.

A perfectly good brain is going unused.

Is so dense, light bends around him.

Has the cranial capacity of a gnat.

Has the wit of a twit.

Loves opera, but is always shocked when the dead villain appears for the curtain call.

Sets minimal goals and consistently fails to achieve them.

Was delighted that George Bush was allowed to serve 3 terms.

Has delusions of adequacy.

Drank from the Fountain of Knowledge, hated the taste, spit it out.

Half the time gets his shirt on backwards, the other half gets his head through the armhole.

Has a photographic memory, with no film and the lens cap glued on.

Has a photographic memory, but the camera is aimed at a blank wall.

He wanted to contribute to this webpage, so he wrote down all the things people said about him.

He got them all wrong.

Started at rock bottom and went downhill from there.

When he shakes his head you can hear his brain rattle like a pebble in a tin bucket.

Hates that cotton in pill bottles. It tastes bad, and it's hard to swallow.

Hits his thumb with the hammer on each downswing, his head on each upswing.

Often gets lost in thought. It's unfamiliar territory.

Deeply confused about what time it is. Gets a different answer each time he asks.

There are rocks with more impressive accomplishments.

He has the brain of a Nobel physicist. Next he has to figure out how to install it.

If you put your ear to his head, you can hear the ocean.

His shoe size, his hat size and his IQ, all the same number.

With training could be a good door stop.

When they circumcised him, they threw away the wrong part.

Those freckles on his face? Rust leaking out of his ears.

So dull he couldn't cut warm butter.

Even a firefly is brighter.

Doesn't believe any of that "smoking is bad for you" hooey.

A gross ignoramus, 144 times as dim as an ordinary ignoramus.

Just fell off the turnip truck.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was asleep.

He thinks ... well, no, he doesn't.

Breathes diesel fumes, eats paint chips.

The end-product of 100 generations of inbreeding.

Once tried to find hay in a needlestack.

IQ is so low, he has to dig for it.

Still working a two-piece jigsaw puzzle he got 8 years ago.

Still doesn't get that "no soap, radios" joke.

Asked Igor where he got his brain.

When he thinks of an idea, a 10-watt bulb appears over his head.

Would you believe a 5-watt bulb?

It's a compliment to say he's "below average."

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Pinocchio couldn't tell the truth, and he can't tell if it's raining.

Once passed a school exam... in PhysEd.

Once passed a school exam... at obedience school.

Once passed a school exam... and stopped to watch.

Six of his teachers filed a lawsuit against his parents.

Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" ... or "feast" or "feat" or "feather" or ...

Does the work of three men: Larry, Moe & Curly.

Loves nature, in spite of what it did to him.

Ordered a cheeseburger and said, "Hold the cheese."

Put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.

Still waiting.

Got fired by M&M for throwing away all the W's.

When he saw the "NC-17" sign, he went home and got 16 friends.

OK, 13 friends.

Called information to get the number for 911.

Called the operator to get the number for information.

Called Mommy (from the next room) to get the number for the operator.

When he heard 90% of all accidents occur around the home, he moved.

Read this webpage. Kept saying, "Yup, yup, yup, ..."

Eukaryotic, possibly diploid.

Thanks to contributors: Susan Petendrée (6), Graham Robertson, Daniel Rozenson (22), Micaela Barrientos Estévez, Bryan Godfrey

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