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Out of Work

I just can't seem to keep a job.
«» I worked as a meat packer ... but I got canned.
«» I worked as a lumberjack ... but they gave me the axe.
«» I worked making pottery ... but I was fired.
«» I worked bagging groceries ... but they gave me the sack.
«» I worked as a pharmacist ... but I was dispensed.
«» I worked tightening bolts ... but they let me loose.
«» I worked as a baseball pitcher ... but I was tossed out.
«» I worked at an orphanage ... but I was abandoned.
«» I worked slicing bread ... but I got cut.
«» I worked as a truant officer ... but was dismissed.
«» I worked as an author ... but they wrote me off.
«» I worked as an usher ... but they showed me the exit.
«» I worked as a juggler ... but I got dropped.
«» I worked polishing diamonds ... but I was rebuffed.
«» I worked making bonbons and tomtoms ... but I was made redundant.
«» I worked for the Alzheimer's Foundation ... but they forgot to pay me.
«» I worked at a lathe ... but I was turned out.
«» I worked loading ballast ... but I was jettisoned.
«» I worked as a wheelchair attendant ... but they gave me my push.
«» I worked at a junkyard ... but I was scrapped.
«» I worked as a trapeze artist ... but I was let go.
«» I worked as a doorman ... but they shut me out.
«» I worked building trampolines ... but I got bounced.
«» I worked as a prison guard ... but they set me free.
«» I worked draining swamps ... but I got ditched.
«» I worked at a drillpress ... but I was chucked out.
«» I worked selling lingerie ... but they gave me a pink slip.
«» I worked building cockpits ... but I was ejected.
«» I worked pushing a wheelbarrow ... but they gave me the shove.
«» I worked making rifles ... but I was discharged.
«» I worked building fences ... but they gave me the gate.
«» I worked as a brakeman ... but I was released.
«» I worked tanning snakeskins ... but I got shed.
«» I worked posting handbills ... but they gave me my notice.
«» I worked as a cobbler ... but I got the boot.
«» I worked as a sailor ... but they gave me the heave-ho.
«» I worked as a percussionist ... but I was drummed out.
«» I worked enlarging photos ... but I got downsized.
«» I worked setting fractures ... but I was cast off.
«» I worked as a drill sergeant ... but they gave me my marching orders.
«» I worked at a landfill ... but I got dumped.
«» I worked as a boxer ... but they gave me the elbow.
«» I worked at a checkout register ... but I was cashiered.
«» I worked building crates ... but I was sent packing.
«» I worked as a bouncer ... but I was thrown out.
«» I worked as a cowboy ... but I was thinned from the herd.
«» I worked installing windows ... but they showed me the door.
«» I worked teaching Tae Bo ... but I was kicked out.
«» I worked as a messenger ... but I was dispatched.
«» I worked fixing transmissions ... but they gave me the shaft.
«» I worked as a gardener ... but they weeded me out.
«» I worked as a candlemaker ... but they blew me off.
«» I worked as an umpire ... but they said "You're out!"
«» I worked for the Alzheimer's Foundation ... say, are those new shoes?



Boston

Fred:    Is it Boston Common or Boston Commons? notFred:    It's Commons, but Common's more common than Commons.



Cavemen

       Two cavemen were walking down the street. Mog turned to Zub and said, "Hey, it's 40,000BC. How can there be a street?" Zub answered, "How can you know it's 40,000BC?"



Foodlemyer Syndrome

       A medical team at Johns Hopkins University has just completed a 5-year study of Foodlemyer Syndrome. This is a completely imaginary disease, whose main symptom is that the sufferer makes frequent references to non-existent diseases with absurd names such as "Foodlemyer Syndrome." In more severe cases, the patient will invent imaginary studies or papers concerning the disease, often attributing them to prestigious institutions or famous doctors.
       In an unpublished paper on the disease, Sigmund Freud stated that a common tactic used by affected patients is to attribute information about the disease to deceased experts, or to unpublished studies, so that their validity could not be checked.



The Djinn

       A woman was touring a palace in India. Urgently needing a bathroom, she walked down a dark corridor and mistakenly opened a closet. Inside was an old lamp. Hoping that it would help her find the restroom, she tried to light it.
       Suddenly a Djinn appeared in a cloud of tiny dazzling lights. It announced that it would grant her three wishes. "Great," she said, "let me think a moment." The Djinn replied, "Go ahead." The lady said, "Tell me what kinds of things I can wish for." The Djinn answered, "You can wish for material things like money, jewels, cars, boats, or even houses. You cannot wish for intangibles like health, love or wisdom."
       "I understand," said the woman, "so listen closely." The Djinn promised he would. "First," said the woman, "I want ten billion dollars." "Sorry," said the Djinn, "but you have already used up your three wishes."



Organ Bank

       A woman became seriously ill during a foreign vacation. As she was gasping her final breaths a doctor informed her that, by law, her still-healthy heart would be donated to a person with severe cardiac disease. She protested, "Over my dead body!"



Restaurant

       An elderly man had dinner at an upscale restaurant. After he finished his wine, he went to the restroom, and then walked out through the bar. Since it was a fine night, he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home. When he reached his front door, he discovered he did not have his keys, which were in the pocket of his jacket, which he had left in the restroom. After he walked back to the restaurant and retrieved his jacket, he realized he had left his hat at the table, so he went back into the dining room. When he reached his seat his wife asked, "Is something wrong? You took such a long time in there!"



Roof
Jan: What's purple, stands on the roof, and sings Rigoletto?
Jen: I give up. What's purple, stands on the roof, and sings Rigoletto?
Jan: A pumpkin.
Jen: A pumpkin isn't purple.
Jan: You could paint it purple.
Jen: A pumpkin doesn't stand on the roof.
Jan: You could put it on the roof.
Jen: A pumpkin doesn't sing Rigoletto.
Jan: Well, I had to put in something so the answer wouldn't be completely obvious.



Cigar

       Fort Almaya cigars are the cheapest on the market, but Hal, who can afford much better, loves them. Because he's such a fan, the company grants him a rare factory visit. As he drives up he sees vast tobacco fields on the left and endless lawns on the right. Inside he finds workers covering each tobacco leaf with a thick layer of lawn clippings, and then rolling them all together.
       As he leaves, the company president asks for his impressions. Hal replies, "I had no idea they contained so much tobacco."



Middle Earth

Lou: After he finished Lord of the Rings, why did Tolkien keep writing more books about Middle Earth?
Lew: It was hobbit-forming.



Doughnut
      
Q: Which is better, true love or a stale doughnut?
A: A stale doughnut. Nothing is better than true love, and a stale doughnut is better than nothing.



Perfect Marriage

A reporter is interviewing a bigshot, and the subject gets around to marriage.

Bigshot: We have the perfect marriage. She gets to decide all the little things, and I get to decide all the big things.
Reporter: Such as?
Bigshot: Well, she decides on decor, furniture, rugs, wallpaper, things like that.
Reporter: So what do you get to decide?
Bigshot: Whether we should invade Iran. Whether to send aid to Darfur. That stuff.
Reporter: If you say so, Mr. Obama.



Ice Floe

Two Inuit fishermen were crossing an ice floe, when one of them spotted an airplane high above. The first one said, "I'll bet it's carrying soap." The second one replied, "No soap, radios."



Smart Dog
       A dog trainer goes into a bar and says, "I have the world's smartest dog." The bartender answers, "I won't believe it until I see it." The trainer asks, "Rover, what's on the top of a house," and the dog answers, "roof, roof." Then the trainer asks, "Rover, how does sandpaper feel?," and the dog answers, "rough, rough." Finally the trainer asks, "Rover, who was the greatest baseball player?," and the dog answers, "Ruth, Ruth."
       At this point the bartender grabs the dog and the trainer by their collars, and pitches them both out on the street. The dog says, "Ouch! You really blew it that time!" The trainer answers, "How could I know he was a Red Sox fan?"



Evening
       Bob was now Brother Robertus, and this was his first day at the monastery. He went out to the bean fields with 20 of the other Brothers at 5 AM, and weeded in the hot sun. At 8 AM a bell rang, all the field workers chanted, "morning," and they filed off to breakfast. Then they toiled from 10 AM to 2 PM, and the bell sounded again. The monks chanted "afternoon," and went off to lunch. They worked from 4 PM to 7 PM when the bell sounded once more.
       By this time Brother Robertus was sure he had caught on. He stood up and intoned, "evening." Everyone else was silent. Finally, one Brother said, "Someone chanted, 'evening.' He must be a stranger."



Just Awful

A patient comes to the doctor feeling just awful. The doctor runs a series of tests, and tells the patient the results.

Doctor: I'm afraid I have some terrible news for you. You have typhoid fever, bubonic plague, and ebola virus.
Patient: That's awful. What are you going to do?
Doctor: Well, the first thing is we're going to put you on a strict diet of pancakes and flounder.
Patient: Pancakes and flounder? Why on earth are you going to put me on a diet of pancakes and flounder?
Doctor: Because those are foods that we can slide under the door to you.



Speeding

Joe: I got a speeding ticket yesterday.
Moe: You? Slow Joe? You never go above the speed limit, not even a little.
Joe: That's what I thought. I was doing 58, and all the signs said 60.
Moe: So why did you get a ticket?
Joe: The officer said that I was on Rt. 60, and the speed limit was really 45. It's going to cost me $130, ten bucks for every mile over the limit.
Moe: Ouch! Tough break. I'm sorry for you.
Joe: Well, I was lucky.
Moe: Lucky? How do you figure that?
Joe: I'm lucky they didn't catch me yesterday on Rt. 185.



Mars
       Which is harder, finding intelligent life on Mars, or finding intelligent life in Congress?



The Chief
       The chief of American espionage has arranged to meet some key operatives at various street corners in London. He sees the first one and says, "Three tired butterflies have purple wings." The other spy replies, "The brown monkey scratched the wrong knee." Then the first agent heads off to Tripoli, as he was just ordered, and the chief is greatly relieved to learn that the Poles do not possess any nuclear weapons.
       Then he meets the second agent and says, "My aunt lost her keys in the muddy lake." The second spy answers, "The spider and the fly met on the green milk jug." So the second agent goes back to her office to send the "begin operation" message to Rome, and the chief learns that the arms shipment arrived safely in Kosovo.
       Then he finds the third spy and says, "Beware the tan bricks are falling." The third agent starts to say, "What do you mean?" but he is knocked out cold by a tan brick.



The Diner
       A short pudgy bald man comes into a diner and orders breakfast from the waitress. "I'll have thwee pancaketh with thywup and thauthages pweathe." The waitress calls the order into the kitchen, "Thwee pancaketh with thywup and thauthages pweathe."
       The little man hears this, and gets angry. "Ooh! You're making a mockewy of me!" The waitress tries to calm him. "Oh, no, thir. Thith ith the way I alwayth thpeak."
       The little man isn't quite convinced. He just sits glumly and watches. Soon another man sits down and orders. "Give me sunnyside eggs with six strips of bacon." The waitress calls this order into the kitchen, "Sunnyside eggs with six strips of bacon."
       Now the little man is furious. "Ooh, ooh! I jutht knew you were making a mockewy of me!" The waitress comes close and whispers to him. "Oh, no, thir. I wath making a mockewy of him!"



Murphy
       The CIA wants to find out how guns are being smuggled from the U.S. to the IRA in Ireland. They learn that the guns pass through the town of Crannagh, so they send Murphy there to investigate.
       Every Monday at 11 AM he phones in a coded progress report. The first Monday he reports that he has met some people he suspects are IRA members. The second Monday he reports that he has found out where the IRA meets. The third Monday he reports that he has the confidence of some confirmed IRA members, and that they will introduce him to the leaders soon. The next Monday there is no report, nor the following Monday.
       So they send Reilly to find out what happened to Murphy. When she arrives, she goes straight to the tavern, and gets friendly with the bartender. Once she feels they have bonded, she asks where she can find Murphy. "Well," says the bartender, "if it's Murphy the constable you want, you just go out to the High Road, take a left and go 4 blocks to the police station."
       Reilly describes the man she wants. The bartender says, "Ah, that sounds like Murphy the farmer. Well, you follow Bog Street down the hill to the edge of town, bear right and keep going 2 more miles."
       Reilly explains that the man she's looking for just came from America about 5 or 6 weeks before. "Oh," answers the bartender, "you want Murphy the spy."



The Lone Ranger
       The Lone Ranger and his faithful Indian companion Tonto are riding across the plain when they see dust clouds ahead, and hear thousands of hoofbeats getting closer. They are surrounded! A thousand Sioux to the north, a thousand Pawnee to the east, a thousand Shoshone to the south, and a thousand Ojibwa to the west.
       The Lone Ranger looks at his longtime trailmate and says, sadly, "After 30 years together, it looks like it all ends here. I fear we're done for." Tonto looks back at him and replies, "What you mean 'we,' white man?"



Iron
Jed: I hear your parents are in the iron and steel business.
Ned: That's right. Mom irons.



Wenceslas
Tom: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Dom: Deep pan, crisp, and even.



Attraction
Nan: Why do some religious groups attract more followers than others?
Jan: Sects appeal.

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