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Bragging Jokes
The Contest Center 59 DeGarmo Hills Road Wappingers Falls, NY 12590 |
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Broadjump
An American reporter was being shown around the Russian Olympic training camp. The guide was boasting about how great the Russian athletes were. She pointed to one and said, "This is Sergei Vasilyev. He runs the 1,000 meters in 2:17 and broadjumps 8.6 meters."
The American was not impressed. "Sure," he said, "anyone could broadjump 8.6 meters with that big a lead."
Ibrim Hassan
Amir: You Americans are always boasting how Paul Bunyan was the greatest lumberjack ever, but we Moroccans know that Ibrim Hassan was the world's greatest lumberjack.
Fred: I never heard of Ibrim Hassan. Who was he?
Amir: He was the famous lumberjack of the Sahara Forest.
Fred: Umm, don't you mean the Sahara Desert?
Amir: Oh, sure, NOW it's a desert.
Oldest
Javier Pereira claimed to be the oldest person on earth. One scheming young woman figured that would make him famous, and might make him rich, so she asked to marry him. He promised to give her an answer as soon as he asked his father.
The Train
A Texan was bragging to an Englishman about how big Texas is. "Why you could get on a train in east Texas on Monday morning, head due west all day Monday, continue overnight, and still be in Texas at sunset Tuesday," she said. The Englishman replied that you could do the same in England. British trains were just as slow.
Parrot
John: I got a terrific bargain on my new parrot.
June: Some bargain! All it says is, "Cheap, cheap!"
Organelles
One cellular biologist was boasting to another: mitochondria are better than yourtochondria.
The Wall
A Kentucky woman boasted to a Texan that there was so much gold in Fort Knox that you could build a wall of solid gold 10 feet high all around Texas. The Texan answered, "Well you just go ahead and build it, little lady, and if Ah like it, why Ah'll buy it."
Singer
Gian: I am Gian Diovanni, the world's fastest singer. Would you like to hear the opera Rigoletto?
You: Certainly.
Gian: Would you like to hear it again?
Outlaws
A married couple bragged constantly about how rich, how important, and how influential their respective families were. Finally the husband got fed up, and said, "OK, I have to admit it. Your in-laws are much better than mine."
Mosquitoes
Three people were arguing about how everything was bigger where they came from. The first said that mosquitoes were so big where she lived they used chain link fencing for window screens. The second person said the mosquitoes were so big in his area that they used prison bars for window screens. The third person looked puzzled for a while, then asked, "What are window screens?"
Kangaroo
A Texan was boasting to an Australian that everything was bigger in Texas than anywhere else when a kangaroo hopped by. The Texan stared wide-eyed for a long minute, and then said, "Well, I guess your mice are bigger."
Three Surgeons
Three surgeons were discussing which one was the most skilled. The first surgeon said that a man had fallen across the railroad tracks, and a train had severed both legs just above the knees. After surgery and physical therapy, that man won the Olympic Marathon.
The second surgeon said that was nothing. A woman had been thrown head first through the windshield of a car and her face was sliced to ribbons. After surgery she won the Miss America contest.
The third surgeon said that was nothing. A man had been sucked into the air intake of a jet engine. The only thing that was recovered was a tiny piece of brain matter no larger than a pea. From that piece the surgeon reconstructed the entire man, and that man became the President of the United States.
Vorobyev
During the Cold War the Russians used to boast that everything of importance had been invented in Russia first. I witnessed this myself at an international symposium of scientists that I attended in Zurich in 1955. After the formal papers were delivered on the first day, we all got together in the evening for drinks and conversation.
One of my American colleagues stood up and toasted, "Here's to Edison, who invented the incandescent lamp in 1879." Immediately Comrade Bulkhov, the head of the Russian delegation, stood up and toasted, "Here's to Vorobyev, who invented the incandescent lamp in 1875."
Then an Italian delegate stood and toasted, "Here's to Marconi, who invented radio signals in 1895." Right away Bulkhov stood up again and toasted, "Here's to Vorobyev, who invented radio signals in 1889."
Next a German scientist rose and toasted, "Here's to Braun, who invented the cathode ray tube in 1897." Again Bulkhov stood and toasted, "Here's to Vorobyev, who invented the cathode ray tube in 1889."
At this I could tolerate no more. I stood and toasted, "Here's to Comrade Bulkhov, who invented Vorobyev in 1955."
How hot was it?
It gets so hot in my town that
« » The ice cream cone on the Baskin-Robbins sign melted.
« » Wooden buildings catch fire spontaneously.
« » The statue of George Washington took off its coat.
« » You can get a suntan in minutes, even under an awning.
« » You don't need to plug in your steam iron.
« » Bald guys can fry bacon on their heads.
« » When you turn on a faucet you get steam.
« » Our copy of Venus de Milo is waving a fan held between her toes.
« » If you drop a coin on the sidewalk it sinks in.
« » Everyone carries oven mitts in case they have to turn a doorknob.
« » Even sheep dogs have to wear sunscreen.
« » Every shave is a hot lather shave.
« » You have to walk fast or your shoes will melt.
« » Fedders, Carrier, and Friedrich are cuss words.
« » Sunflowers are holding parasols.
« » Matches ignite without striking.
« » The local radio station plays only one song, "We're Having a Heat Wave."
« » The stripes on the barber pole have run together.
« » Recipe for hot soup: put bouillon cubes and ice cubes in a bowl, stir, and drink immediately.
« » The town aquarium is now a cactus garden.
« » When a drop of sweat hits the ground it sizzles.
« » The only birds are vultures.
« » If you park a car outdoors the radiator boils over.
« » You can pull a steak from the freezer, pop it on a plate, and start eating.
« » Bob's Big Boy keeps hopping from one foot to the other.
« » The most popular fashion item is those aluminum suits that race car drivers wear.
« » Sunlight coming through the giant eyeglasses on the optician's sign set a park bench on fire.
« » Nobody ever, ever asks "Is it hot enough for you?"
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