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The Contest Center
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Wappingers Falls, NY 12590
(contributed by James Hymas)
Indiana has its Versailles,
But the French all burst into wailles.
They will sigh, they will crigh,
"You must call it Versigh.
Those who don't should all be in jailles."
Bakers distribute recipes on a knead to know basis, but they distribute baking schedules on a need to know to knead basis.
A Seller in the Cellar
What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? The jeweler sells watches and the jailer watches cells.
Two dairymen meet in the cowshed.
Luke: What have you been doing all day?
Jake: Me? I've been orking the cows.
Luke: Huh? What's that? I've never heard of orking.
Jake: How could you not know? We work together every day. I'm your cow-orker.
Lee: I hear your sister works for the new Opera Channel.
Jan: Yes, she has produced 5 superb specials on the lives of the great composers, and they have all won major awards.
Lee: Yet it's carried by only 5 stations worldwide?
Jan: Right. It's a rare medium well done.
The fortune-teller who stole my money is no longer in custody. The police caught him, but he was so tiny he slipped out between the bars of the holding cell. Now he is a small medium at large.
Israel was concerned that Hamas may have smuggled a nuclear weapon across the border. They sent agents with radiation detectors throughout the country. The report came back, "There is a bomb in Gilead."
Did you hear about the millionaire who changed his will every week? He was a regular fresh heir fiend.
Three brothers went into business raising beef cattle. They asked Mama what to call it. She said, "Why call it the Focus Ranch, of course. The focus is where the suns rays meet."
Sammy Snail has grown very rich from his highly popular book "Salt-Free Cooking" and the TV series based on the book. With his new wealth he bought a custom Porsche with his initial, an ornate S, emblazoned in gold on the driver's door. He loves to floor the accelerator and just let his S car go.
Little Timmy comes to the checkout desk with his book. The librarian looks at the title, "Guide for the Young Mother," and asks Timmy why he wants that particular book. Timmy replies, "It seems perfect. I'm 12, and I collect moths."
There they were, a pride of lions, just a mile ahead on the veldt. Not one of the big ruminants dared enter the grasslands. Then Willie Wildebeest spoke up. "We have been afraid of these lions for too long. We outnumber them. We outweigh them. Let's go." And he started across the savannah.
Suddenly he noticed soft footsteps behind him. The brave gnu whirled.
Poor John Farminhock. He got caught in the thresher, and came out a demijohn.
As peas dry, they develop whorls and ridges that are every bit as distinctive as the whorls and ridges of fingerprints. Imagine, whorled peas.
Of all the royal lineages in Europe, the Spanish succession produces the homeliest monarchs. The reign in Spain stays mainly to the plain.
A Greek walks into a tailor shop in Athens, and shows the owner a torn pair of pants. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The customer answers, "Yes. Eumenides?"
When the waters of the Flood subsided, Noah spake unto the animals saying, "Go forth and multiply." All the animals did as they were bid, save the serpents, for they said, "We cannot multiply, for we are adders." Then Noah bade them, "Come thou hither, upon the rough furniture where I partake my meals." They did so, and in due time, became exceeding numerous, for even adders can multiply with a log table.
Two weather forecasters in Communist Russia were discussing the following day's prediction. Natasha thought it would snow, but her husband Rudy was certain rain was coming. He insisted, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
A carrot, a mushroom and a tomato go to a posh nightclub. The doorkeeper lets the carrot and tomato in, but not the mushroom. Angry, the mushroom asks, "Why won't you let me in? I'm a fun guy."
A rope goes into a bar. The bartender kicks her out, saying, "We don't want your kind in here." So the rope ties herself in the middle, frizzes up her ends, and tries again. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the rope I just threw out?" The rope answers, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Seamus Oppernockety is the least competent piano tuner in Dublin. Worse, after he botches a job, you can never get him back to fix the problem. Oppernockety tunes only once.
Patrick Wackamole runs the largest butcher shop in Dublin. I was waiting in line, right behind Seamus Oppernockety, a well-known piano tuner. Oppernockety had his little dachshund with him, and he asked the butcher to let him have a bone for his dog to chew. The butcher refused. "Them days is over, Oppernockety, we don't give nothing fer free anymore."
Oppernockety fishes around in his pocket, and pulls out a tiny figurine, no bigger than an olive. "Suppose I give you this, then, would ye let me have the bone?" The butcher looks it over, and starts muttering, "Well, I don't rightly know what this is, but it's small so I figger it ain't worth much, but then the bone don't cost much neither, but still..."
And I'm still standing there in line! Well, at my age I resent anything that keeps me waiting. I figure I don't have enough hours left to waste any. So I just blurt out, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Wack, give the dog a bone so this old man can get on home."
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